It’s my birthday month1 and I have always been one to use birthdays as a milestone. It is as good of a chance as ever to receive, once again, the life you actually have – and dare to dream for what’s next. I am a particularly contemplative type, so I don’t expect everyone and their mom to be up for doing all of these2, but I have found these six ways worthwhile in anchoring me to the (birthday) present3.
Worthwhile Ways to Spend a Birthday
1. Reflect and connect – with yourself.
For as long as I can remember in my adult life, I have set aside significant time to reflect on the year – to bear witness to all that transpired since my birthday last year. Sometimes I just list chronologically, other times I bullet-point some of the first things that come to mind that I’m especially grateful for. I like to name specific people or moments that met me, came through when I needed them to, or that taught me something new. There are always books, songs, podcasts or people I have heard from that formed me in various ways. There are always moments of growth to celebrate within a marriage, family dynamics, and relating to our little humans. There are always people who came into your life at the right time (or who have always been there). Take note.
2. Honor your healing.
Hand on heart: I honor all that my body has carried this year.4
A few questions I’ll ask myself:
In what ways, if any, are you able to move through difficult emotions or circumstances better than years past? Are you more or less gentle with yourself?
What could you tell yourself a year or two ago that you couldn’t have imagined then?
Are there ways you are supporting yourself more than you are fighting yourself now than before?
Don’t rush past this. Chances are, this year held a lot of hard and helpful, things that did not work and things that did. What helped? What shifted? How can you let your own body know how proud you are of it? Let evaluation or any sort of judgment be set aside. Take time to tell yourself how far you’ve come, and let it settle into your bones.
3. Rage over what ran you ragged.
There are, of course, things that suck every year. Some years are harder than others; some take more than they give. Even some of the best years come at the worst costs. I want to make space for all that I lost, all I wished or hoped for and couldn’t have, all that I tried for and couldn’t get. I can let myself be angry about what I found out, what found me out, what I had to fight against or fight for. Who hurt you? What disappointed you? Where did you feel missed or misunderstood? What is happening in or around you that makes you want to scream? I want to validate the parts of me that are longing for justice, for restoration, or something different than what has been. It is OK to be angry about what should be, what should have been, what could be, what could have been. This year, I am planning a “Rage by the River” to 1.) write out and 2.) say out loud what has eaten away at me this year, and 3.) throw it all into the water with a God who can take it. If that doesn’t sound like a birthday party, I don’t know what does! :)
4. Gather with people that make you feel alive.
I am a huge fan of surprises, mostly because it makes me feel so loved to 1.) be freed up of the mental load and work of coordinating plans and 2.) have a spouse and friends who know me well enough to think for me in that way. However, something that has been very evident to me since having kids, it can be unrealistic to expect anyone to have the forethought or capacity to plan ahead, let alone remember dates – and that does not mean they don’t love you or want to show up for you (despite the stories I tell myself). I am more of the mind now that it is on us as self-aware, self-advocating individuals to know our needs and desires, name them, and give people an opportunity to meet them. In this realm, I am experimenting this year with simply sharing, “Hey, my birthday is coming up, and part of how I’d love to celebrate this year is doing ________ with you. Are you up for that?” A birthday gives a good excuse to gather. Take it and run with it.
I also love and recommend a Toasting Time*. It’s one of my favorite feelings in the world to both 1.) be seen and 2.) see others in those moments, where you raise a glass and share a few things you appreciate or have seen growth in for someone. Everyone wants to know they’re doing better than they think, and toasting to someone’s life can help bring that into focus. Cheers to that.
5. Take time to thank those that carried you through this year.
This one is newer for me. I want to slow my life down enough to look at who has showed up this year (and be honest about who hasn’t5), and find ways to genuinely appreciate them. Perhaps this goes with #4 and you get to knock out two birds with one stone. But I think this can be separate in the sense you find ways specific to that person(s) to show your appreciation. You are in context. Who you are is in context. Who you have become is, in some part, due to the people who have “loved you into being,” as Mister Rogers says. You might find that some are people who know you personally, and others have shaped you from afar (i.e. books, podcasts, etc.) Some questions to think through:
Who did you find (or found you) this year that spoke the same soul language as you – where you didn’t have to explain yourself much but simply share from the heart and feel understood?
Where and with whom did you feel most at ease?
Who got to speak into your strengths and skills? Who offered words that you needed this year?
Is there anyone you want to be more like?
In other words, to celebrate your own birthday, who else can you celebrate? How do you honor the part they have had in your own growth and healing?
6. Listen to what’s pulling you forward.
I defer to Emily P Freeman’s framework of looking for arrows here – what seems to be coming for/to you? Are there glimpses or glimmers of what’s next? What sparks in your heart, and you have a feeling it might catch flame more in the coming months? For me, I am sensing a need to get more concrete and less in my head. There have been arrows for a couple years now that have been hard to integrate with my current season and capacity. There will always be part of me that balks at the planning and prepping of setting “goals” or having a schedule. Don’t get me wrong, rhythms and routines save my life and I prioritize a lot of the same things every week. However, for the categories of vocational calls and creative dreams, the putting-down of what I hope to “accomplish” or do always makes it seem less desirable somehow. I think I need to shake the Enneagram 4 story I tell myself that things are less authentic if planned out. AND ALSO I don’t need to have to have a plan to keep creating anyway.
How about you? What did I miss? What else can a birthday bring up that’s worth investigating or commemorating?
How do you love celebrating and being celebrated?
May 14 for those you dying to know
TBH, I could ease up on my own expectations for myself each year
See what I did there? :)
An Aundi Kolber reference for sure
See Number 3
Things to pay attention to:
I just found out about Zach Winters and this album is so grounding
Joy Oladukon’s new single about questions and faith – it’s so, so good
The best book on parenting little humans and reparenting ourselves
Speaking of books, I just finished this one and was deeply impacted
This resource! How much better would our relationships be with safe conversations around these questions?
I love (and need) these words
Just generally spring’s arrival – take it in with all five senses! So good for the soul
As always, so grateful you’re here. Continuing to show up to the page and sharing my writing is certainly part of what I’m celebrating this year. Much love to you all.
Liv